


So sad, so sad

by solboo



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-09 02:10:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13471476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solboo/pseuds/solboo
Summary: It's hard to love someone when you can't even love yourself.





	So sad, so sad

**Author's Note:**

> title: Varsity - So sad, So sad

“I can’t love you if I can’t even love myself.”

 

Jihoon has his head on Chan’s lap. The younger confessed his love, only for the older to reject him. Jihoon was ready for some tears and maybe Chan storming out of the house. What he gets is something entirely different.

 

“You don’t love yourself?” Chan asks. The younger looks genuinely concerned, and it makes Jihoon’s heart ache.

 

So, this what true love is like?

 

“No. I’d rather be someone else than this empty shell of a body right now.”

 

Chan looks hurt, and it’s definitely not because of the rejection. Jihoon kind of regrets saying what he just said.

 

It’s dead quiet in Chan’s bedroom, save from the creeking of the bed everytime one of them slightly moves. Both of them don’t know what to say. The older keeps staring at the ceiling while the younger plays with his fingers out of nervousness.

 

After what seems like forever, Chan speaks up as he hesitantly puts his hand on Jihoon’s hair.

 

“Can I still try to give you some love? I want to help you.” he says while playing with some strands of hair.

 

Here it is, the unneeded request to help.

 

Jihoon gets up to leave. He feels like he’s going to puke.

 

“No, sorry.”

 

* * *

 

“Why did you even reject him? Don’t you love him?”

 

Jihoon is sitting with Soonyoung in the cafe nearby his apartment. The pleasant vibe of the cafe is strongly contrasted by the conversation the two boys are having.

 

“I do, but I’m scared I would fuck up our relationship.”

 

Soonyoung tries not to roll his eyes at him.

 

“Listen, you love each other and by what Chan told me, he’s willing to help you with your problems… Because that’s what someone would do if they truly love you!”

 

Shut up.

 

“Soonyoung… You don’t understand the problems I have.”

 

“Of course I don’t. I just want to help you as much as possible.”

 

Just shut up. You can’t help me.

 

“Soonyoung please…”

 

Jihoon suddenly feels awful. He needs to go home. Now.

 

“I have to go.”

 

Instead of forcing him to stay, the older’s eyes soften and he tells him to think about what he said earlier. Jihoon already knows that Chan would take good care of him but he doesn’t want to hurt him. Keeping him as far as possible from his thoughts is the best action possible, Jihoon thinks.

 

-

 

A year ago, when Jihoon’s mental health was slightly better, he developed some feelings for Chan. At first it was a simple crush that he thought would go away, but then it transformed into something more serious. Jihoon was absolutely terrified of his new feelings.

 

He knew pining for someone was going to be hard for him. It’s unhealthy, especially in his state of mind. It adds something more to fuss about and he doesn’t want that.

 

Unfortunately, he couldn’t do anything about it. He thought about Chan as his mental health dangerously slips away. The younger became what Jihoon usually thought about instead of self hating thoughts. Obsessive thoughts like these can distract someone, but when they suddenly fade out, it is terribly dangerous.

 

One night, one of his closest friends, Seungcheol, found him in the bath with horrible fresh scars all over his body. Seungcheol already knew about Jihoon’s depression and got worried when his friend didn’t answer his numerous calls.

 

Chan is Jihoon’s drug.

He should stop his addiction.

 

* * *

 

Chan asked Hansol to come over. They’re sitting on the sofa in the living room. The TV is on, but Chan muted the audio to have his entire focus on the conversation.

 

“I heard the news.” Hansol says. “Seungkwan heard it from Soonyoung and he kinda told me before I went out of the house.”

 

“Okay. It makes everything easier.”

 

Chan pauses. He doesn’t know how to start.

 

“What can I do for him? He said he doesn’t love himself and he probably doesn’t want me to do anything for him.”

 

Hansol thinks about it. Fortunately, he doesn’t take long enough to have an uncomfortable silence in the room.

 

“For now, give him some space. He’ll definitely need it. The last thing he needs right now is someone pushing him to do something he doesn’t want to do.”

 

He pauses again.

 

“It sounds obvious but you always need a reminder for this. Give him about 3 days and maybe you can continue to talk about his self hatred. And don’t offer solutions to fix it, it’s the worst thing you can say.”

 

Hansol is a smart kid but he never gives himself credit for his knowledge. Chan is very thankful for every advice he gives.

 

“Thank you, man. Wanna go for some video games?”

 

“Yeah sure.”

 

* * *

 

Chan started to like Jihoon about 5 months ago.

 

Finding out why everytime the older touches him makes his stomach all funny and why he needs to constantly impress him was an interesting experience. His older friend, Jeonghan, has a sharp eye for people struggling with crushes. Or everybody he knows is ridiculously easy to predict. Both explanations are valid.

 

“So… you have a crush on good ol’ Jihoon, huh?”

 

“Do I?”

 

“Idiot. I see you literally turn red everytime Jihoon approaches you.”

 

“Huh…”

 

Chan never felt romantic love until Jihoon forcibly changed his view of it. He feels plenty of platonic love and he loves to give out validation and be supportive to his friends. Liking someone like that felt weird and maybe a bit unsettling.

 

“I learn something new everyday… Thanks Jeonghan.”

 

“Anytime.”

 

He learned to grow fond of Jihoon everyday. Jihoon always wore long sleeves that covered his hands. Chan thought it makes him look even smaller than he is and he found that adorable. The older sometimes wore his big metal framed glasses. Chan loved them to bits.

He also loved to coo over Jihoon’s mannerism. The older always pretends to hate his group of friends, but would smile and be proud at anybody’s success.

 

Chan is absolutely smitten, and he can’t get out of it.

 

* * *

 

Feeling like total shit is Jihoon’s speciality.

 

He’s trying to remain motionless in his bed, but he keeps thrashing around in every direction because he just can’t sleep.

 

Leaving himself alone with his thoughts is way too dangerous, but he’s doing that everyday. Right now is a good night to die, he thinks.

 

Just fucking die already. Go out in the streets and stand on the road.

 

He tosses and turns again. His thoughts are getting louder and louder. They’re getting more hateful each time and it’s driving Jihoon nuts.

 

Nobody cares about you, just go grab the knife and go.

 

He is really about to get up and commit.

 

Wait, hold on… Chan does. He cares a lot.

 

Jihoon is suddenly thinking about his crush, his drug, the one he purposely rejected like a total idiot. Chan loves him back but he rejected him because he’s afraid of emotional intimacy and accidentally hurting him.

 

Jihoon hears his phone vibrating in the complete silence of his room. He slowly turns to grab his phone to see his notifications, only to be blinded by the brightness of the screen. It’s all worth it when he sees that the object of his affection just texted him.

 

Channie: it’s late but can we talk about last time

 

They haven’t talked since the day of the rejection. Jihoon couldn’t simply tell Chan to forget about it and go on with their lives. He told Chan about his depression, and this isn’t something that both of them can just ignore. He may have told the younger indirectly, but he knows Chan isn’t dense. Jihoon wish they could forget, but life isn’t that easy.

 

He unlocks his phone and quickly types a reply saying they need to talk face to face. Jihoon doesn’t particularly like his decision but it’s way better than settling it by text. He then locks his phone without waiting for a reply and manages to fall asleep soon after.

 

* * *

 

 

Chan wakes up at 9AM with ruffly hair and a dried trail of drool on his face. Kind of gross but hey, it happens sometimes. Before actually doing anything, Chan rolls over where his phone is and checks his messages. He embarrassingly fell asleep right after sending his message to Jihoon. He does have an excuse though, it was 3AM.

 

Hoon: No

Hoon: Come over around 2 and we can talk about it

 

Well, that’s a bit unexpected of Jihoon.

 

-

 

“I’m sorry if I offended you the other day.”

 

The two boys are, this time, sitting on Jihoon’s bedroom floor. It’s not the most comfortable place to have a conversation, but it feels right for them.

 

“You didn’t?” It sounds more likes a question because Jihoon is taken aback. He didn’t expect Chan being the one apologising.

 

“But you looked irritated.”

 

Jihoon had to suppress his entire being to not cringe. Thinking about himself suddenly getting out of Chan’s house for a word he dislikes is just embarrassing, and it wasn’t even supposed to be offensive!

 

“Listen, everytime someone offers me help for my depression, i go into autopilot. I’m sorry if I came off as rude.”

 

Before Chan can say anything, Jihoon continues to talk. He starts to feel a bit nauseated but he pushes through.

 

“The truth is, I love you so much. It’s been, what, at least a year since I started crushing on you. You were on my mind practically all the time. And guess what? You were the reason I didn’t kill myself through the whole year, and you still are.”

 

Tears are starting to collect in Jihoon’s eyes. He continues to talk despite how concerned Chan looks.

 

“The reason I didn’t accept your confession is because I don’t want you to suffer with me. I don’t want you to fall into that endless tunnel with me. It’s the last thing I want.”

 

At this point, Jihoon is looking down and lets his tears freely drip down his face. He thinks that he looks ridiculous, crying over himself like that after his word vomit.

 

Without the older knowing, Chan wraps his arms around Jihoon for a hug. The latter tenses but quickly melts in Chan’s touch, letting all his feelings burst out.

 

They stay like that for a few minutes. Chan rubs Jihoon’s back to soothe him while Jihoon silently cries with the occasional hiccups.

 

The younger finally speaks up.

 

“I wouldn’t mind going through your lows. Leaving you alone is the worst thing i can do.”

 

Jihoon lifts his head. He is still bawling his eyes out and he has snot coming out of his nose. Not the most appealing sight Chan can look at but the both of them don’t care.

 

“Are you sure about this? It’s going to be tough for you.”

 

“Yeah. But I bet it’s way harder for you.”

 

Chan gets up to take a tissue and wipes Jihoon’s face. After making sure Jihoon is all cleaned up, he tries again.

 

“So I’ll ask you once again.” Chan continues “Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

 

Jihoon thinks he’s going to cry again.

 

“Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> hello thank you for reading till the end. i would appreciate it if you can read this note till the end too, but it's okay if you don't want to.  
> if you also have depression, please don't do like me or jihoon: go seek help from a professional. i know it's hard to do that bc i'm one of the many living proof for that.  
> also if you ever considered to self harm, i advice you not to start. it's a legitimate addiction and it's difficult to hide, especially in the summer.  
> you're strong and i'm proud of you.
> 
> again, thank you for reading till the end  
> kudos and comments are appreciated
> 
> twitter: gyuuumong


End file.
